Anti Drug Games/Transcript
Video Here ---------------------------------------------------------------\/ in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen (Jon and Jacques are looking at some pictures on Jon's wall) Jon: Jacques, you think something's like, something's off there? You missing something? Nah, you're right, it's probably okay. (A packet of seed falls to the floor. Jon picks it up) Jon: '''Jacques, what is this? Where'd you learn to do this? Have you been doing seed? '''Jacques: Back off, old-timer. This is cool stuff. Jon: Jacques, come on, man. You're smarter than this. Winners don't do drugs, remember? Just like all the arcades in the '80s told us. Jacques: When I'm high, I feel like a winner. Jon: We gotta get you straight, Jacques. Scared straight. (A clip of A&E's Beyond Scared Straight plays) Man: You see this, Carl?! I'mma treat you like a bitch. You're gonna comb my m-- (bleep) chest hair whenever I tell you! (Clips stops) Jon: Okay, maybe not that straight! Jon (VO): 'The date is October 14th, 1982. Drugs are rampant in the streets of the United States. President Ronald Reagan declares them a threat to national security. The following decades will be shaked by these actions forever as the war on drugs continues to this very day. The message was clear. (Old PSA plays) '''Man: '''Remember, winners don't do drugs. ('BOOM) Jon (VO): '''Remember when you'd play an arcade game back in the '80s and '90s? It would show you that screen before you played the game. Not to mention the numerous D.A.R.E. campaigns that would tour school to school. '''Jon: I mean, truth be told, we didn't even give it much thought as kids. I mean, it was just so ingrained that our collective unconscious. I mean, drugs were such as problem in the '70s and '80s, by the time we were grown up, this was just accepted and expected. Jon (VO): '''Anyone living back then will be able to recall for you the wealth of PSA's on the topic, arranged from realistic to Ludacris. (Another PSA plays. A father is holding a cigarette carton in front of his son sitting on his bed) '''Father: '''Who taught you how to do this stuff? '''Son: You, all right?! I learned it by watching you. Jon (VO): '''(Jon laughs) That-- that never gets old. '''Jon (VO): '''But that's not even scratching the surface. Have a look at this. (Another PSA plays. Three surgeons are standing behind an operating table. The first surgeon smokes pot) '''Surgeon: Now, what's wrong with you? Tonsillitis? Patient: Appendicitis. Surgeon: Yeah? (laughs) Jon (VO): 'Hey, you know what? I-I think you got a point there. It ''would be bad if my surgeon was smoking pot while operating on me. Here's a list of other things I wouldn't want them doing: Anything else but my fucking surgery! 'Surgeon: '''Now, let's see if I can still make a straight line. (Surgeon puts on mask and holds up a scalpel while laughing. Jon laughs) '''Jon (VO): '(Jon laughs) You're really a piece of shit, aren't you? '''Jon (VO): '''And then, of course, there's the one that lives in infamy. (Another PSA plays. A teacher picks up a pan with an egg cooking inside it) '''Teacher: This is your brain on drugs. Any questions? Jon: 'Yeah, I-- I think I got a few. So, you're telling me that my brain on drugs is a healthy, nutritious breakfast that helps my brain grow? Shit, I should do some drugs! '''Jon (VO): '''How could the point ''not have been driven home? Even our celebrity idols were telling us that drugs were the spawn of Satan. It even got to the point when Hanna-Barbera and Peewee Herman were telling us to stay away. (Another PSA plays. It shows Peewee Herman sitting in a chair facing a camera. He holds up a crack bottle) '''Peewee Herman: This is crack. Jon (VO): 'You know, I'm just not sure how to deal with the emotions that come up after Peewee Herman tells me about crack rock cocaine. (stammers) ''This guy! (Shows a clip of Peewee Herman dancing silly) '''Jon (VO): '''Just, just a ushered serious warning to me with that look in his eyes. (stammers) This is a sign of national emergency. '''Jon: You see, Jacques? You're gonna find out one way or another. You've gotta get off this stuff. I mean, Peewee Herman himself was so upset, he went into a dirty porno theatre and jacked his weiner right off. Can you blame the man? He was feeling emotional. He had to go make his dick cry. Jacques: '''I'm still not convinced. (cuts back to yet another PSA commercial) '''Snake: '''Hey, little dude. Send your Momma and Daddy out of the room. '''Jon: '''Oh, I live by myself, thanks, I don't got- I don't have parents anymore. '''Snake: '''You know who I am, Snake, dealing them Weed, Coke, Crack, your choice. '''Jon: '''One of each, please. '''Snake: '''Take one hit, and you'll do anything a cop more, steal from your momma...' '''Jon: '''Hey man, Did you get bit by a mosquito or something? you don't look so good. '''Snake:'Do I look like the kind of guy that would do that to a kid like you? Jon: 'YOU LOOK LIKE A SNAKE!! '''Snake: '''Yessssssssss. '''Jon: '''WHAT!? WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? '''Jacques: '''I am basically half reptile so it reminds me of one of my brethren '''Jon: '''Okay, yeah, alright, yeah, alright. Y'all ready you won't make this easy for us? That's fine. We'll take this to the only place you understand. To the world of video gaming. '''Jon (VO): '''In the '80s, arcades were the cool hangouts for kids. They had ''Galaga, Donkey Kong, and of course hard drug dealers. Now, what can I say, it was a sign of the times. 'Jon (VO): '''Pac-Man popping pills, Mario's eaten mushrooms, and Simon Belmont? Terrible off-screen addiction to heroin. Look at him in Part IV, he could barely hold his whip. It's sad really. '''Jon (VO): '''That made arcades a prime target for the anti-drug campaign, which led to the creation of games like ''Narc. NARC (Arcade) 'Jon (VO): '''In this game, you're assuming the role of a narcotics officer named Max Force. Oh, if you get a second player in there, they can play as Hit Man. Lord, have mercy. '''Jon (VO): '''I guess uh nobody told me cops started doing wrestler names? I mean not that I'm even upset, I just would have like to know. '''Jon (VO): '''Oh, this is great! Now we can finally teach kids good moral standards! You're busted! '''Jon: '''This would've put a tear in ol' Ronny Reagan's eye. '''Jon (VO): '''Well, alright, maybe those guys were just resisting arrest you know. I mean they had to be dealt with. After all, we're just going in there with enough firepower to protect ourselves. (BOOM) (BOOM) '''Jon: ' Not. Even. Once. 'Jon (VO): '''That... Was amazing! But, to be honest, I guess they were just trying to portray with utmost realism how we handle drug offenders in this country. (YOU'RE BUSTED.) '''Jon: '''Cocaine is really popular with umm... The same guy. ("I GIVE UP!") '''Jon (VO): '''Too little, too late, talking leg. '''Jon (VO): '''I'll be able to put an end to this drug ring once I fi-I figure out how to drive a stick! that's-yep. How's-How's a clutch work again? '''Jon (VO): '''Finally, you get to the game's antagonist Mr. Big, who's apparently a real good Tokyo Drifter over here. '''Jon (VO): '''He's got a picture of himself labeled "ME". now, there's so many things wrong with this, I don't even know where to begin. '''Jon: '''10. '''Jon: '''I guess Lou Bega had some hard time getting work after Mambo No. 5. '''Jon (VO): '''I've never seen a game go from a perfect zero to a perfect 10 this quickly. Is this real-life? '''Jon: '''Jacques, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this for you, you got to get with it, got to get clean, and to show you the light to the sober individual, we're gonna have to take the most extreme measure possible, playing ''Wally Bear and the NO! Gang. Under no circumstances would I do this otherwise. Because it's basically a kid to torture. 'Jacques: '''This is madness. Why is that bear not wearing a helmet on his skateboard? '''Jon: '''That's besides the point, Jacques! This is officially your intervention. Wally Bear and the NO! Gang (NES) '''Jon (VO): '''Welcome to ''Wally Bear and the NO! Gang. As you can see, the cartridge is kind of weird because it's not officially licensed by Nintendo. 'Jon (VO): '''Also, on part of the label, there's a circle that says "PRESS HERE", and when you push it, it plays a Jeff VanVonderen sound bite. '''Jon (VO): '(Jon laughs) I'm just playing with you, it doesn't do jack shit. Why is it here? Who was even out there manufacturing their own NES cartridges anyway? 'Jon: '(Sniffs) Ah, what is that? (Sniffs) Chinese glue? Mothballs? How many kids rented this before, huh? Probably got a disease now. 'Jon (VO): '''This game was made in 1992 exclusively for a North American audience by American Video Entertainment. They're also known for such other classics as ''Blackjack, Puzzle, and of course how can we forget Dudes with Attitude. '''Jon: '''So in short, that's how you know it's gonna be good. '''Jon (VO): ''Wally Bear and the NO! Gang''. Now I can already see him saying no to society's norms. Jon (VO): 'Now as you can see, he does not wear his hat straight. No, it's perfect because if a drug dealer walks up to that side of his body, he doesn't have to say no to him, his clothes do it for him. '''Jon (VO): '''Ah, what was the color palette on this one? Public restroom? Greens and browns, Jesus Christ. '''Jon (VO): '"Uncle Gary Grizzly has been planning a party for you and the NO! Gang." 'Jon (VO): '''Uh, hey dad? I know you like to live your life on the free and easy, but you think you could do I'll do away with the whole no-pants thing 'til after I leave? Get a pair of tearaway pants and goddamn anything? For God's sake! '''Jon: '''Yeah, Wally. I know you you feel. My dad doesn't wear pants either. '''Jon: '''Dad! '''Jon (VO): '"Invite all your friends, and try to reach his house before dark. Take care Wally, and remember to say NO! Stay smart! Don't start!" Don't start what? Fires? Ah, okay, now that's a different bear. 'Jon (VO): '''Kids, Wally Bear may have 5 lives, but you only have 1. '''Jon (VO): '''So the game starts out in this suburban town. You play as this bear named Wally, who rides a skateboard everywhere! '''Jon (VO): '''Also, even though you play as an anthropomorphic bear, dogs are still dogs, and birds are still birds. And I mean I can't blame him for being mad, I'd be pissed too if no one transformed me into a radical sunglass-wearing skateboarding version of myself. '''Jon (VO): '''Oh God, seriously? That's it? one hit and you're dead? '''Jon (VO): '''If you die, you have to go all the way back, and each level is ridiculously repetitive and difficult. '''Jon (VO): '''I think it's worth noting that GamePro gave this game a 5 out of 5 on the FunFactor and the Challenge. Sister Sinister, you're full of shit! '''Jon (VO): '''Also, looks like they had a ''Nightshade competition in this issue. Why no one tell me? '''I AIIIIIIIIIIIIIN'T gonna take that sitting down. Jon (VO): '''The one saving grace is picking up what I assumed to be a frisbee, or uh perhaps it's a one-way boomerang pie, I don't know, something like that. When you get it, you can actually shoot the enemies and finally kill them, even though it's still really hard 'cause these birds are endless and you're just on a skateboard the whole time! '''Jon (VO): '''Imagine- No really, imagine this, if every level in a video game was the ice level. Pets this game. And it's got platforming! '''Jon: '''Oh, my favourite. '''Jon (VO): '''And you can actually take one extra hit when you put the frisbee. You can even just breeze through some of these levels if you just keep shooting in a straight line. But if you take any damage, the frisbee goes away and you can't throw it anymore, so you might as well reset. Because this game is nearly impossible without it. '''Jon (VO): '''Also, I think somehow you can stack up to two frisbees and four hits using the skateboard as well, but I don't fuckin' know. '''Jon (VO) :"Ricky Rat was trying to get Toby Turtle to join his gang." Who's Ricky Rat? Who's Toby Turtle? Who the fuck are you? "He said that Toby would have to take some pills." Jon: '''Oh, well maybe I should go talk to Ricky rat then and get some acetaminophen for the ''HEADACHE YOU GIVING ME RIGHT NOW!!'' '''Jon (VO) : '''Yeah, by the way, skateboarding on the train is most definitely encouraged, kids. '''Jon (VO) : '''Eventually, you make your way out of the subway which was in the suburbs, may I remind you. You find yourself in another neighborhood that looks exactly like the last one. '''Jon (VO) : '''Oh, okay, then you're supposed to go into another subway? How many subway connections I gotta make to get to my uncle's house?! Maybe my parents could have given me a ride if they weren't so busy mauling each other's privates. Hanes! Levi's! Dockers! Take a trip to the Gap, dad, it's not that hard! '''Jon (VO) : '''Oh okay, so this subway is a castle. Thi-this one's a ca- a castle. it's a castle. ''WHAT?!'' (WHAT?) 'Jon: '''I've been getting there before dark might have been the least of Wally's worries. '''Jon (VO): '''Hey Wally, you think you could have maybe, you know, taking a detour around this part of town? '''Jon (VO): '''This guy's literally dropping bombs out of his window, all day, that's- that's his job. Man, I guess the economy really has gotten bad. '''Jon (VO): '''So, after you get out of the real actual demilitarized ghetto where no kid should ever be... WTF? '''Jon (VO): '... you go into this M. C. Escher garage with the- a cat man. 'Jon (VO): '''Okay, I- I think- I think I might be getting a bit of a contact high from this. '''Jon: '''Where's my hands? '''Jon (VO): '"I just saw Larry Lizard going into this garage." Okay, wonderful, yet another person I have no context for. "He was drinking out of a strange looking bottle and acting really strange." "It sounds like Larry's been drinking." 'Jon: '''Wow, how do you get that good? '''Jon (VO): '"Remember, even grownups shouldn't drink and drive." 'Jon: '''Now, this really needed to be said. I mean all those drunk driving kids were tearing this country apart. '''Jon (VO): '''Well, I'll assume this is Larry. Oops, I killed him. Moving on. '''Jon: '''Alright, I have to admit. This time I've been caught off guard. '''Jon (VO): '''How exactly did that door lead to this? Hey Wally, don't forget to take the shortcut to uncle Gary Grizzly's suited snake cave it's right after the uh, it's coming to me, uh, t's the bomb ghetto? Yeah, you'll find it, don't worry about it. '''Jon (VO): '''This part is ''impossible! There are just so many things and there's huge platforming pitfalls everywhere! '''Jon (VO): It would take anyone many, many tries to even get through this part. And don't forget; Everything is an ice level! How did this teach kids anything when they couldn't even get to the end of the game to learn the freakin' message? Jon (VO): '''What the fuck is this supposed to be?! This game has a chronic condition of never explaining anything! Two minutes ago, we were in the suburbs, now we're what? Taking a stroll through Nikolai Tesla's secret ''UNDERGROUND LAIR?!?!'' Apparently, according to Wally, I gotta infiltrate a freakin' fortress just to get to my uncle's house! '''Jon: '''What the fuck? I promise I'll never do drugs again, dad. '''Jon (VO): '''By the way, this is literally the only room in the entire game that's like this. It's so out of place. '''Jon (VO): '''Freakin' Play-Dohs up here hucking loogies down at me while I'm trying to balance the top pillars on a fucking skateboard! Ladies and gentlemen, this is art. '''Jon (VO): '''There's a million doors here and there's only one of them that leads to the ''WAY OUT!!!'' 'Jon (VO): '''To get past this part, you just got to keep relentlessly scaling the castle and trying doors until you find the right one. '''Jon (VO): '''Come on, come on, come on! Yes! finally. '''Jon (VO): '"Watch out for a man giving away candy." '''Jon: '''Uh, a- are you aware that our city has an ''UNDERGROUND DEMON FORTRESS IN IT!?'' And... and apparently, the subway; the subway just passes right through that shit! G- g- gimme the man. Gimme him right now. I- I'll take the fucking candy right off his hands. 'S amazing compared to what I've just been through! '''Jon (VO): '''Oh, okay, yeah, that's fine, let's just- let's just resume then, huh? Back to business as usual, just trying to play it cool after this shit I've seen! Just gonna keep this secret, nice and tucked away in my soul until it burns a ''HOLE THROUGH IT!'' This must be what Buzz Aldrin felt like when he got back from the moon. '''Jon (VO): '''Wait, this? I gotta go in there? What is this, a crack then? I thought I was supposed to be getting off drugs! '''Jon (VO): '''This houses windows are broken. It doesn't even look like anyone's inhabited it for years. '''Jon (VO): '''Also, the neighboring house is just completely blown up. Just blown half up. '''Jon (VO): '''Alright, here goes nothing. '''THIS IS UNFINISHED! DO NOT TAMPER WITH, PLEASE! Category:Transcripts